A work in progress

Missing in action

2008-04-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

I've been away from my blog for a while, concentrating on my goal list. Unfortunately, "keeping up with my blog" isn't on the list, but maybe it should be.

Since my last post, I've started a small business endeavor with my friend and partner, Tracy J., a licensed marriage- and family-therapist who is shifting her focus from clinical psychotherapy to the more proactive coaching and training discipline. She and I share a deep respect for Victor Frankl, the famed psychiatrist, concentration camp survivor, and author of Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl is known for his ideas on the importance of finding meaning as a conduit to mental health and happiness. Tracy and I also share a similar philosophy on the primacy of self-knowledge and interpersonal communication to successful relationships.

We've called our business, "The People Development Group," and plan to offer personal leadership training to anyone seeking more positive and fulfilling relationships at home or at work. Our schedules are already filling up with couples seeking relationship coaching, and we have submitted proposals to several businesses that have asked for our help to build their teams.

I'm excited about the future, but warn myself to "be careful what you ask for." I know that everything comes at a cost, and so I want to make sure that I maintain focus where it needs to be for now: on my family. In this way, I'll be practicing what I preach: finding balance, living authentically, and focusing on what's most important.

So, you want to achieve your goals? Start by using your brain.

2008-02-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

A recent study by Shackell and Standing of Bishop’s University has shown that “mental rehearsal” (a.k.a. “creative visualization”) is nearly as effective as physical practice in improving performance.

Here’s what the study did:

Thirty male university athletes, including football, basketball and rugby players, were randomly assigned to perform mental training of their hip flexor muscles, to use weight machines to physically exercise their hip flexors, or to form a control group which received neither mental nor physical training. The hip strength of each group was measured before and after training. Physical strength was increased by 24% through mental practice (p = .008). Strength was also increased through physical training, by 28%, but did not change significantly in the control condition.

This data indicates that you should not simply write your goals, but you should imagine yourself accomplishing them. Create as vivid a picture as you can in your mind, incorporating all of your senses (e.g., what will it feel like, look like, etc. once I accomplish my goal?), then re-live those images regularly so that even if you can’t work on a particular goal right now, you’ll actually make some progress toward accomplishing it by visualizing its achievement. Then, once you’re ready to work it, it will feel like old hat.

Regaining perspective

2008-01-29T07:21:00.000-08:00

After yesterday's parenting-frustrations, I went to my music to find relief, and listened to a song that always lifts my spirits and renews my faith that everything will turn out okay: Michael Tolcher's song called "Sooner or Later." Click on his name, above, to hear the actual song, and see the lyrics, below...

"Sooner Or Later"

Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
Try not to say anything weird

Save your questions without answers
'Til your old enough to know
that things ain't as they appeared

Before you go out in the sun
Cover your skin and don't get burned
Beware the cancer, it might kill you when you're old

Be first in line, raise your hand
Remember everything you hear
And playing in the rain is worth catching cold

[Chorus]
Sooner or later
We'll be lookin' back on everything
And we'll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening
And someday you might listen to what people have to say
Now you learn the hard way

[Verse 2]
We only want what's best for you
That's why we tell you what to do
And nevermind if nothing makes sense

'Cause it all works out in the end
You're just like us without a friend
But you can build a privacy fence (Yeah)

[Repeat Chorus]

[Verse 3]
Somethings you have to learn them all on your own
You can't rely on anybody else
Or the point of view of a source unknown
If it feels good and sounds nice
Then it's your choice don't doubt yourself
Don't even think twice

Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
You know they like it when you smile (Find a reason to smile)

Try not to focus on yourself
Share that love with someone else
Don't let the bitters bring you down (Down)
Don't let anything bring you down

Communication skills and teenagers...

2008-01-28T15:42:00.000-08:00

So, my goal is to become an expert at interpersonal communication & conflict resolution, right? Well, my skills were tested this evening when my 14-year-old son came home with a 'warning' issued to him by his bus driver for excessive swearing. Swearing? #@@#@!!

Number one. I didn't even know my child swore! Never suspected it; although, I have to admit that I remember being 14 and trying a few choice words of my own, here-or-there, in a futile attempt to be 'cool.' But HIM?! My baby??? The sweetheart shown in the picture on the right joyfully communing with his puppy?

Number two, I had no idea that if he did swear, he would be so dense (so rude, so utterly impolite) as to do it in front of an adult! Didn't I at least teach him better than that???

So, there I was feeling like a surgeon about to operate on one of her own loved ones (which is never a good idea). Unlike a surgeon, however, I don't have a group of highly skilled partners to pass a case off to. I have my husband who, like me, is too close to the patient. We had no choice - we had to sharpen the blade and prepare to operate.

By virtue of having a Master's Degree in Counseling, I was elected to start speaking first. I immediately began with the "EAR" model I learned many (childless) eons ago from Ken Blanchard's course on Situational Leadership:

E: Explore to make sure you received the right message
("Son, are you saying that you cussed in front of the bus driver?" What words did you say, exactly?" "You said WHAT?!?!")

A: Acknowledge the person's statement so that they'll feel heard. This step is the key to good listening and it's important to note that acknowledging is not the same thing as agreeing...it simply means that you've heard the person.
("You must have felt very embarrassed, son.")

R: Respond. Most people jump straight to this step without first taking the time to explore or acknowledge, and this only makes the sender feel defensive. If you take the time to explore and acknowledge, then the sender will be more receptive to your response, whether it be an opinion, suggestion - or punishment :)
("You're still grounded!")

At the end of this 'session,' my son readily admitted fault and humbly asked for his punishment. But this seemed too easy. Surely there was more ranting that needed to be done. So, the EAR model went straight out the window, and we adopted our very best "predator" parent-stance. Like pro wrestlers, we tag-teamed him:

Mom: "Is that any way to represent our family?"
Dad: "Is this how you want to be known - as a foul-mouth?!"
Mom: "You're going down the wrong path, mister!"

This went on for about 10 minutes, until we were sure he was sufficiently humbled. By the end, he lost the privilege of attending a school dance he wanted to go to this weekend, and we told him that if we ever receive another call from the school for anything other than sterling behavior, he will be out of his beloved soccer for the rest of the season.

Afterward, the phrase "physician, heal thyself," and "practice what you preach" came to mind. Whatever happened to the dispassionate approach during which I'm supposed to calmly highlight the problem, not the person or the mean, old parents? And, once he admitted fault, shouldn't we have stopped?

Ughhhh! Despite all my training and practice, I still have SO much to learn about applying these concepts to my very own family. Indeed, I am "a work in progress..."

This song helps me focus on my goals...

2008-01-27T08:07:00.000-08:00

I love to read the lyrics, and listen to, this empowering, goosebump-inducing song by Natasha Bedingfield whenever I doubt myself and/or whether I can accomplish my goals. It reminds me that I am writing my own page...:

Unwritten
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Word of the day: "Memes" (it's not what you say, it's what you do)

2008-01-26T11:45:00.000-08:00

According to the book, Social Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman: "memes [are] ideas that spread from mind to mind, much as emotions do."

The word was actually coined by evolutionary biologist, Richard Dawkins, but I like how Goleman writes about the brain science behind "memes" (see his writings about "mirror neurons" in his book, or learn about them at the following link: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/3204/01.html I find that Science always adds credibility to an issue.

The amazing point to recognize here is that we're wired to mimic. This is amazing because it explains why obesity, fitness, kindness, violence, etc... seem to replicate through people like a gene.

And, as if to highlight this point, I received an overwhelming email response from the friends with whom I shared the concept of writing "the top 110 things to do before I die." Here's what two of them said:

"I for one have been inspired... I shared your LIST with the boys last night. [My husband] and I both are starting ours."

"Thank you for sharing your list! I've just started one of my own."

Goal-writing is an example of a meme, and seems to give legs to the saying: "actions speak louder than words."

Can you tell that I find the concept of 'memes' fascinating? I mean, just look at the number of 'feel good' sites in my list of links. I am enchanted by the idea that we all have the power to make a positive difference in the world, and I have a feeling that the concept of "memes" will play a large role in my future studies on conflict.

photo taken by RebelBlueAngel, and found on the web at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/61891614@N00/339149473/

Gals and goals...

2008-01-24T08:02:00.000-08:00

Our book club is a collection of amazing women who came together last year after a chance encounter at a local Starbucks. Our common link: we’re all, unapologetically, Moms.

Aside from that, some of us are former military members, ultrasound techs, fitness instructors, reporters, coaches, counselors, artists, business owners, decorators...all very diverse, with much to share.

Our self-imposed assignment this month was a deviation from our normal monthly book-reading. We agreed to bring in something we learned from the internet.

I took a leap and, at the risk of seeming self-promoting, I brought in an entry I made in my relatively new blog. I did this for two reasons: first, because I’m in the process of learning about blogs by actually creating one, so I thought the process might be interesting to share. Second, I wanted to talk about goal-setting since it’s been on my mind so much lately, so I brought my entry from January 13th, titled “Have You Listed the Top 110 Things You Want to do Before you Die?” On the back of the entry, I pasted several of the goals that appear in the right-hand margin of my blog.

I wondered whether the idea of listing the “Top Things You Want to do Before you Die” would get people talking, and was pleased to find that it did. In fact, the rest of our meeting was consumed by the topic.

I witnessed my friends come alive with the scent of possibility. Their eyes flashed as their imaginations soared into realms I suspect many had not ventured in a while. I saw sly smiles as they reached into their hearts and, in conspiratorial tones, laid bare dreams they hadn’t shared with anyone in years.

But just as quickly as it appeared, the spark seemed to quell as reality set in:

“Writing my goals would just make me frustrated if I couldn’t achieve them...and I can’t achieve them because there are too many demands on me as a Mom!”

It was as if they experienced Paradise, took a bite from Eve’s apple, saw their fate, and forlornly banished all hope of ever returning to the Garden of Eden.

Oddly, I’d felt the same way when I created my list. I remember thinking,

"Dreams for myself? Isn't that selfish? Shouldn’t I be thinking of someone else instead? And who IS this person otherwise known as “Mom,” “Honey,” friend, volunteer, shopper, chauffeur, housekeeper, and cook? Where did her dreams go? Better yet, where did even the concept of dreaming go?"

With superhuman effort, I pushed the whining aside and wrote my list, but afterwards I felt embarrassed that it sounded so boring!

“Learn to embrace silence?”
“Accept challenges with grace?”
“Run a 5-K in 24 minutes?”

I mean, if this is a flight of fantasy, where was the sexiness? Where was the “climb Mount Everest,” or “parachute from an airplane?”

Then it dawned on me that I actually might have grown during this always challenging, sometimes difficult, journey. By working to be a good mom, wife, friend, community member – and despite fearing that I’d lost myself along the way – I found that I’d actually become a better self. A new, improved, stronger self. One who can appreciate little things and realize how little I need in life to be happy. Who’s to say that my “Mount Everest” isn’t overcoming “my aversion to running in cold weather?”

Okay, so I added the PhD & UN Committee in lieu of extreme sports but, hey, one can dream, right? And if I never attain these things, the very act of making my list helped me to realize that I'm doing just fine.

I really hope that the next time we meet, my dear friends at book club will dare to dream - and share - lists of their own...

How a Kitten, a Crow, a Little Girl, and Star Trek taught me to be a better person

2008-01-17T07:02:00.000-08:00

My sister, Michelle, sent me a video today about an unlikely friendship between a kitten and a crow:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZjZQ6KkiUk

According to this true story, the crow ignored its natural instinct to either eat, or run from, this furry predator and began mothering the abandoned kitten. Amazingly, the pair became fast friends, and the crow is shown on tape protecting, feeding, and playing with the kitten.

So what did I do when I watched this video? I did what any other self-respecting American Mother would do: bawled like a baby! Happy tears, mixed with sad tears, tinged with hopeful tears.

Call me a sucker, but in today's world of escalating conflict, I chose to assume from watching the video that if animals can transcend instinct to get along, maybe...just maybe...it's possible for humans to overcome generations of man-made barriers in order to meaningfully connect with others and make peace.

Interestingly, my 10-year-old daughter and I had a somewhat related conversation (or should I say, 'conversion?') just a couple hours before I received the video this morning.

Let me preface this by saying that I appreciate animals, but have always regarded them as incapable of overcoming instinct, so they've always seemed sub-human in my mind. Cute and cuddly, to be sure, but definitely not on par with us people.

That being said, we have an 8-month-old cock-a-poo named Kona, and over breakfast today my daughter asked me a question that she's asked me many times since we got our dog:

"Mama, do you love Kona yet?"

Today, like each time she's asked, I told her:

"I like Kona very much, but I reserve love for humans."

Typically, my daughter looks down and doesn't say anything. Each time she does this, I can tell she's disappointed and that she's willing me to love Kona as much as she does. But I've always made it a point to be honest with her, and I wasn't going to stop today. This time, however, her response was different. She calmly looked me in the eye, and said:

"At one time, African Americans and women were considered 'less-than-human.' Maybe one day we'll see that animals are worthy of the same kind of respect and love."

I sat dumbstruck, staring at this wise being in front of me who was my daughter. I had no response, and my thoughts suddenly skipped to one of the ways I used to teach my kids the concept of respect when they were smaller. I'm a fan of Star Trek because I love the vision of its creator, Gene Roddenberry (http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/news/article/121585.html).

Roddenberry conceived of Star Trek in the 60's during a time of much racial and political strife. He wanted to show how people could rise above petty squabbles and learn to simply respect others. So, after watching an episode with my kids, I'd talk to them about how the crew encountered many alien species - some seemingly more intelligent than humans, some less; some stronger, some weaker - but that humans in the future evolved to respect all manner of life equally.

So, how is it in all this time I never made the connection to animals? After all, they're nothing more than an alien species, right (alien simply meaning "different from ourselves")? Does that make them any less deserving of respect and/or love?

Then, as if to underscore the lesson I learned from my daughter today, I received the Kitten and Crow video from my sister. It's funny how lessons can sneak up on us when we least expect it.

As I prepare to start my PhD program in Conflict Analysis and Resolution, I learned today that it's possible to rise above instinct to overcome conflict...and stereotypes!

And, yes, I will work to develop love for our furry little alien, Kona, who brings so much joy to our lives.

Have you listed the "Top 110 Things You Want to do Before you Die?"

2008-01-13T08:25:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've heard a lot about the importance of setting goals. The first mention was a news article I read about a study done with Harvard MBA grads. In 1979, a group of these high achievers were asked, "Have you set clear, written goals for your future and made plans to accomplish them?" Only three percent said they'd written goals and plans; 13 percent had goals, but they were not in writing; and an overwhelming 84 percent had no specific goals at all.

Ten years later, the group was interviewed again, and the findings were astonishing! The 13 percent who had goals were earning, on average, twice as much as the 84 percent who had no goals at all. Most amazingly of all was that the 3 percent were earning, on average, ten times as much as the other 97 percent put together!

My husband was a goal-setter. From the 3rd-grade, he knew he wanted to fly fighter jets and everything he did from that point on was in support of his goal (e.g., going to the Air Force Academy, making good enough grades in high school to get into the Academy, etc...). He's been flying fighters since his graduation from the Academy: first, the F-4, and afterwards - till now - the F-15. This is a photo of him shooting a missile during a training mission.

I was not necessarily a goal-maker. I guess there were a couple little ones I set for myself: I knew I would go to college & graduate in 4 years. I wanted to study abroad, and did for one semester. But there were many things I just didn't plan for: my career, having kids. They were just sort of things that happened to me, and I patted myself on the back for being 'flexible,' while beating myself up for not feeling like I was accomplishing anything.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that raising two wonderful children and maintaining a 20-year marriage isn't an accomplishment. I'm very proud of that! However, in hindsight, I think I would have liked for it to have been part of a greater plan.

With forty-three years into my life, I'm finally of the opinion that I need to write goals because after the next 40 years passes, I won't have another 40 to tell myself, "Shoot! I need to write my goals!" The next 40-50 years represent THE REST OF MY LIFE - a sobering thought. Yet, I look at it as a challenge. I'm so much wiser than what I was when I was in my 20's, and I have lots of good years to do lots of good things. Heck, I have 50 years to accomplish my GOALS!!!

So, I guess that the Harvard study resonated with me more than even my husband's example because I was sufficiently mature and ready to hear the message. I finally understand that time can sneak away without feeling like you're moving forward if you don't have goals.

Shortly after reading about the study - as if to underscore the message - I met with a new friend, Donna Wissinger (pictured below), who told me that she's been a goal-writer all her life. She's a concert flutist and has played Carnegie Hall, which was a goal she expected to accomplish in 5 years, but did it in four!

Donna also showed me an on-going list she's compiled of the 'top 110 things I want to do before I die." Some items are mundane, for example: keep my skin nice. Others are more serious: play the piano, play the cello. While others are more spiritual: something like, find beauty in small things each day. Once she accomplishes them, they don't typically come off the list, in case she wants to do them again - or, just so she can refer to them to see how much she's done.

I've started my list and have over 30 things that I want to do before I leave this earth. I can't imagine finding 110, but I'm going to try. I plan to type them and post them in my office so I can refer to them each day. For today, I'm going to write my very top goals. The ones I will focus on seriously - the ones that will spell out my future...

A minor change in plan....

2008-01-12T14:14:00.000-08:00

Between the holidays and seeing clients, time has flown. I've been learning a lot, mainly: "the more I learn, the more I learn how much I don't know." So, I've decided to go back to school.

I just sent my application to Nova Southeastern University's Graduate School of Humanities and Social Sciences for their PhD program in Conflict Analysis and Resolution. I've realized that I'm great at helping people learn more about themselves, and at even teaching them a bit about effective communication, but I stink at helping them overcome conflict.

I feel the need to learn why conflict happens in the first place - especially among people in families or close work units. You would think that with all the things they have in common, family members or work associates would just get along. But even in my own home I have to remind my kids from time-to-time: "how do you expect the Israelis and Palestinians to make peace when guys can't even get along in your own home?!" (see cheek-pinching-war at right)

I still plan to coach people in-between classes & papers, and suspect that one or two might even turn up as a case study in my dissertation (anonymously, of course :)

It's time to start...

2007-10-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

Okay. So my goal is to change the world one relationship at a time by helping people learn to communicate better, right? Till now, I've done this as an employee within different organizations. But now I've decided to step out on my own because I think I can reach more people this way. Scary? Yes. But I've recently learned about brick walls from Randy Pausch (see previous posting titled: "Learning, only days after first learning, how much I need to learn"), so I'm ready to start. I've seen five clients so far, and have nine more scheduled. That makes me happy.

Interestingly, I've found that I don't have to teach actual skills as much as help people learn more about themselves: their behavioral tendencies, their values & motivators, and whether their behavior matches what they value.

Sometimes, people's behaviors don't match what they value. In other words, they say one thing yet do another. This can be confusing for themselves, and for the people they want to get along with. For instance, if you value helping others, but behave like a dictator, you might feel frustrated when people walk the other way when they see you. However, once you understand your behavioral tendencies and values, and start to 'walk your talk,' you'll feel good about yourself and will seem much more approachable to others.

I like to use the DiSC Personal Profile to help people learn about their behavioral tendencies (it's not a label, just a description of people's tendencies). The letters D I S C stand for: Dominance, Influence, Steadindess, and Compliance and measures the unique blend of these four qualities within you. One tendency isn't better than any other - each simply exists and helps to make you a unique individual. Once people understand their tendencies, their behavior starts to make sense.

I also like to use an assessment called the PIAV, which stands for personal interests (PI), attitudes(A), and values (V) using an assessment. The PIAV identifies the unique forces within you that affect how you behave and how others perceive you. It's important to identify what you value - this helps you to realize whether or not you're on track to achieve things in life that are important to you, and whether your behavior is consistent with what you value. Together with the DiSC, both assessments paint a clearer portrait of who you are and why you do the things you do.

The beauty of the DiSC and the PIAV is that they give people an objective, non-threatening language with which to discuss their own (and each other's) behavior. Of course, this works best if the people you deal with take the assessments, too. I find that this universal language keeps relationships moving in a positive direction. Without it, we often resort to what we're used to hearing or doing like name-calling, stereotyping, blaming, and/or other destructive behaviors. What I've seen is that people who take the DiSC and PIAV love to learn about themselves and are eager to use this new knowledge to improve their relationships both on, and off, the job.

So, the next few sessions will be a great learning experience for me - and, I hope for my clients.

Learning (only days after first learning) how much I need to learn...

2007-09-27T09:44:00.001-07:00

Just when I felt sufficiently martyr-like after creating my first post, I came upon this guy: Randy Pausch, a 46-year-old professor of Computer Science at Carnegie Melon University who gives the "Lecture of a Lifetime"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQtwEKlUutA&feature=related

He isn't just writing about his desire to make the world a better place before he dies, he's actually DOING it...has been all his life, in fact, and will continue to do so right up till the end, which could be just six months away if his doctors are right. You won't pick up a bit of self-pity in his talk, though. It's all about making the most of what time we have on earth - leaving things a bit better than what we found them when we arrived. Simply amazing.

I plan to watch the whole thing again with the hope that even a smidgen of his hope, vision, optimism, and energy rub off on me. One thing, among MANY, that he said which really resonated with me: "the brick walls are there to show us how badly we want something." I've been my biggest brick wall.

Learning that I have so much more to learn.

2007-09-25T16:33:00.001-07:00

Growing up, I thought that adults knew everything and that I would eventually know everything, too. Oh boy was I wrong! What amazes me, though, is how damned much I have yet to learn - and I'm already 43!

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and disheartened by it all - especially during times when I say something stupid in front of a group of people, or when I'm chewing gum and mistakenly bite the inside of my lip (I mean, how goofy do you have to be to bite the inside of the same mouth you've had for 43 years, for God's sake?). During those times I wonder just how many more dumb things I'll do between now and, say, the age of 90. I don't even want to know the answer.

I wonder, too, if I'll get to be a better person than I am today? At what point will I learn not to pout to get my way with my husband? When will I learn to hold my temper so my kids will have a calm role-model to emulate? Will I ever be confident enough to acknowledge and pursue what I'm great at so I can share it with the world and leave behind a legacy? If I can't even learn how not to bite my own lip, how in the heck am I going to learn to be more patient, generous, wise, and all those things we expect old people to be?

Well, they say that acknowledging your problem is half the battle, so perhaps I'm a little farther along than I give myself credit for.