Communication skills and teenagers...

So, my goal is to become an expert at interpersonal communication & conflict resolution, right? Well, my skills were tested this evening when my 14-year-old son came home with a 'warning' issued to him by his bus driver for excessive swearing. Swearing? #@@#@!!

Number one. I didn't even know my child swore! Never suspected it; although, I have to admit that I remember being 14 and trying a few choice words of my own, here-or-there, in a futile attempt to be 'cool.' But HIM?! My baby??? The sweetheart shown in the picture on the right joyfully communing with his puppy?

Number two, I had no idea that if he did swear, he would be so dense (so rude, so utterly impolite) as to do it in front of an adult! Didn't I at least teach him better than that???

So, there I was feeling like a surgeon about to operate on one of her own loved ones (which is never a good idea). Unlike a surgeon, however, I don't have a group of highly skilled partners to pass a case off to. I have my husband who, like me, is too close to the patient. We had no choice - we had to sharpen the blade and prepare to operate.

By virtue of having a Master's Degree in Counseling, I was elected to start speaking first. I immediately began with the "EAR" model I learned many (childless) eons ago from Ken Blanchard's course on Situational Leadership:

E: Explore to make sure you received the right message
("Son, are you saying that you cussed in front of the bus driver?" What words did you say, exactly?" "You said WHAT?!?!")

A: Acknowledge the person's statement so that they'll feel heard. This step is the key to good listening and it's important to note that acknowledging is not the same thing as agreeing...it simply means that you've heard the person.
("You must have felt very embarrassed, son.")

R: Respond. Most people jump straight to this step without first taking the time to explore or acknowledge, and this only makes the sender feel defensive. If you take the time to explore and acknowledge, then the sender will be more receptive to your response, whether it be an opinion, suggestion - or punishment :)
("You're still grounded!")

At the end of this 'session,' my son readily admitted fault and humbly asked for his punishment. But this seemed too easy. Surely there was more ranting that needed to be done. So, the EAR model went straight out the window, and we adopted our very best "predator" parent-stance. Like pro wrestlers, we tag-teamed him:

Mom: "Is that any way to represent our family?"
Dad: "Is this how you want to be known - as a foul-mouth?!"
Mom: "You're going down the wrong path, mister!"

This went on for about 10 minutes, until we were sure he was sufficiently humbled. By the end, he lost the privilege of attending a school dance he wanted to go to this weekend, and we told him that if we ever receive another call from the school for anything other than sterling behavior, he will be out of his beloved soccer for the rest of the season.

Afterward, the phrase "physician, heal thyself," and "practice what you preach" came to mind. Whatever happened to the dispassionate approach during which I'm supposed to calmly highlight the problem, not the person or the mean, old parents? And, once he admitted fault, shouldn't we have stopped?

Ughhhh! Despite all my training and practice, I still have SO much to learn about applying these concepts to my very own family. Indeed, I am "a work in progress..."